Hi! I really love the commercials provided by your company and your competitors! They make me feel that using your service would spare me any unwanted invaders of the burglar or ex-lover variety. Super! I certainly don't want either of those! (unless said ex-lover has some how turned over a new leaf and is invading my home to tell me how fabulous he is - but I realize these two concepts are completely incompatible so ...)
That being said, my recent experiences have not been up to par.
First of all, the service at this residence was put in less than three years ago and yet somehow (totally not your fault, I'm sure) a ten year old CO2 monitor was installed at that time! Golly! How did that happen?
I was completely surprised that the CO2 alarm activating at all hours of the night was, in fact, THREE models out of date (as your service technician so kindly told me)! Gee Whiz. Who'd have thought that your very well advertised company would be so
The four hour wait for that last visit coupled with the frequent
Wow, who could have guessed I would have to frantically call your helpful service members in the middle of the night SO MANY TIMES in one month! Lucky me! I did everything your phone representatives suggested to fix the signal and guess what - all I got for my trouble was the CO2 monitor going off. Again.
The. New. CO2. Monitor.
Yeah... not so much fun. Especially at 3 AM. But, hey - we all know how goofy those silly smoke and CO2 monitors can be! Can I be available for another service technician to visit between 8AM and 12PM? Oh sure! Let me just put my life on hold for your technician who will not show up before noon. No problem!
Wait a minute - I'm being unkind. He actually showed up at 11:15Am. Awesome! He stayed for nearly an hour and replaced some wiring which made me feel like my time wasn't completely wasted. Guess what he discovered - no really, GUESS! He found that the last technician, who installed the new CO2 monitor, didn't do it correctly! Silly fellow!
And... To top it all off, the second technician was feeling a little bitter since he did not have a special little portable printer (like the first guy). He told me. Frequently. In fact, it turns out that he was quite put out with having to use his own cell phone minutes to call in my credit card number. Gee, I am really sorry! I will be very happy to let you waive the service call fee any other time you visit - just so you don't have to worry about those cell minutes! I know! I'm so generous!
So, I suppose I'm just composing this letter to let you know that never in one million years will I ever choose your company for my own personal security needs. It isn't simply a fact of "one alarm too many" - it's the combination of deliberately installing out-dated equipment, not training your technicians to install new equipment properly and oh yeah - a lot of my time being wasted.
God Bless, and thanks for making me feel (via your overly scary commercials) that I actually need your ass. Turns out, I really don't need you after all. Next time around, I'm buying a big dog.
ps - this post is an homage to Mrs. Tootsie Farklepants and her lovely fictional letters.