Monday, August 3, 2009

A Letter to the Security Provider

Dear (undisclosed) Security Provider,

Hi! I really love the commercials provided by your company and your competitors! They make me feel that using your service would spare me any unwanted invaders of the burglar or ex-lover variety. Super! I certainly don't want either of those! (unless said ex-lover has some how turned over a new leaf and is invading my home to tell me how fabulous he is - but I realize these two concepts are completely incompatible so ...)

That being said, my recent experiences have not been up to par.

First of all, the service at this residence was put in less than three years ago and yet somehow (totally not your fault, I'm sure) a ten year old CO2 monitor was installed at that time! Golly! How did that happen?

I was completely surprised that the CO2 alarm activating at all hours of the night was, in fact, THREE models out of date (as your service technician so kindly told me)! Gee Whiz. Who'd have thought that your very well advertised company would be so cheap "fiscally challenged" as to install out of date equipment!

The four hour wait for that last visit coupled with the frequent false alarm signals that often kept my daughter and I awake led me to feel slightly dissatisfied, but - as it's not really my house nor am I going to live here for an extended period of time - I'm willing to overlook it. After all, no harm, no foul. That is, until the FREAKING fire alarm started giving off false signals too! No, really? More alarms?

Wow, who could have guessed I would have to frantically call your helpful service members in the middle of the night SO MANY TIMES in one month! Lucky me! I did everything your phone representatives suggested to fix the signal and guess what - all I got for my trouble was the CO2 monitor going off. Again.

The. New. CO2. Monitor.

Yeah... not so much fun. Especially at 3 AM. But, hey - we all know how goofy those silly smoke and CO2 monitors can be! Can I be available for another service technician to visit between 8AM and 12PM? Oh sure! Let me just put my life on hold for your technician who will not show up before noon. No problem!

Wait a minute - I'm being unkind. He actually showed up at 11:15Am. Awesome! He stayed for nearly an hour and replaced some wiring which made me feel like my time wasn't completely wasted. Guess what he discovered - no really, GUESS! He found that the last technician, who installed the new CO2 monitor, didn't do it correctly! Silly fellow!

And... To top it all off, the second technician was feeling a little bitter since he did not have a special little portable printer (like the first guy). He told me. Frequently. In fact, it turns out that he was quite put out with having to use his own cell phone minutes to call in my credit card number. Gee, I am really sorry! I will be very happy to let you waive the service call fee any other time you visit - just so you don't have to worry about those cell minutes! I know! I'm so generous!

So, I suppose I'm just composing this letter to let you know that never in one million years will I ever choose your company for my own personal security needs. It isn't simply a fact of "one alarm too many" - it's the combination of deliberately installing out-dated equipment, not training your technicians to install new equipment properly and oh yeah - a lot of my time being wasted.

God Bless, and thanks for making me feel (via your overly scary commercials) that I actually need your ass. Turns out, I really don't need you after all. Next time around, I'm buying a big dog.


ps - this post is an homage to Mrs. Tootsie Farklepants and her lovely fictional letters.


hokgardner said...

Awesome. I hope you actually send it.

Mary said...

send it, but finish with:
If this is not corrected immediately, I swear to god, I will burn this mother down :)

Kate said...

Geez, what a demanding customer you are. You mean you actually want things to work they way they are supposed to? Hmph. You are one high maintenance gal! You probably expect for your Spray and Wash to get stains out of your clothing too.

travellinbaen said...

Can I just say, realizing it will offer you no comfort, that I am vicariously outraged. Oh, for a whistleblower to approach me that the company has a policy of installing outdated equipment. We know they do of course.

I just had the AC company come in and do a "check up, routine maintenance" etc. Dude says everything looks great. ONE day later, we wake up sweating. AC company says "what a sad coincidence." F'ers. 500 bucks later we have air again, just like we did the day before they came out in the first place.

Give 'em hell Calico.

Krimmyk said...

Next time I run into my friend I will get the link for the Israeli Security system for you. If anything of theirs trigger it calls your cell and you can choose to call the police. He swears by it!

And I would totally send the letter.

Mala said...

*Giggling uncontrolably*
That is awesome! I think my neighbor has the same security system. That effer goes off every Friday and Saturday night in the wee hours. Of course, they're at their lake house every weekend. At least I talked them into setting it to go off for only 2 minutes, rather than the 20 minutes it had previously been set for.
Oh, and can you compose a letter for me to my cable company... I think it has the same parent company as your alarm co.

Babe in Babeland said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear how sucky it turned out to be. Big dog does sound better!!

I have been MIA. I realized that I got so behind reading your blog, but just caught up. I LOVE the part about your computer and you being Lutheran and just suffering. I understand completely...I am of the German/Lutheran stock. :-)

I hope your week gets better!

Unknown said...

Or, you could buy a giant man-eating cricket - to keep the blog cricket company.

MommyTime said...

You should absolutely 100% mail this letter -- with actual real names inserted, and badge numbers and everything. Seriously.

Laura Marchant said...

Oh I'd be ticked!

Wineplz said...

Dude, I have been having some Security System nightmares of my own. This fabulous company wouldn't happen to start with a letter residing between U and W?