Friday, October 16, 2009

Conspiracy Cleaners

Mary shared a story earlier this week that concerned a certain unsanitary client who happened to be in the house cleaning business. I commented on her post that I had a house cleaner story as well! So, without further ado – the Conspiracy Cleaner.

You may remember that I house-sat for a friend of mine this summer (the whole “homeless” ordeal). It was really great and I wanted to have her entire house cleaned from top to bottom right before she came home as "Thank You" for letting Muffin and I stay in her home. I checked around on the internet and found a seemingly perfect cleaning company. Their website advertised the fact that the owner was a former Army Sergeant and that leant the company credibility in my mind. Heck, I know the Navy taught us how to clean as part of the boot camp process – I felt certain that the Army had done the same!

I called and made an appointment for a “one time” cleaning and scheduled it for 2PM. On the day of the appointment 2PM came and went without a sign or call from the cleaners. Finally, at about 3:45PM a car drove up and two men got out. One was considerably older than the other and as it turned out they were a father and son team. Dandy! Get to work!

I explained what I wanted done, showed them the areas to concentrate on and asked them to stay out of the room I was staying in as well as my daughter’s room – I even closed the doors to emphasize my point. Sounds pretty straight forward right? Imagine my surprise when I came upstairs to check on Muffin and found the son coming out of my room! WTF? Before I could ask him what he was up to my phone rang.

I went downstairs to answer the phone and when I had completed the call the older man started talking to me about conspiracy theories. No lie. He went on about the fact that there are something like 25 major families in the world and they are trying to poison the rest of us via bottled water so that they can take over and start humanity from scratch. Yeah, that was just one of his cuckoo theories. I’d list some others but they were obviously politically motivated and this blog isn’t about that. I started to pray for my phone to ring again so that I could away from the crazy man!

Then the son came downstairs and noticed my PS2. He started trying to sell me some kind of hard drive for the machine that would allow me to load games and never use a disc again. I’m not sure, but I think that might be illegal or something. Like either of them had any credibility at that point! The father started in on another conspiracy, the son embellished it and neither of them did any damn cleaning! I was starting to get a little freaked out. I mean, it was just me and Muffin against a wacko former Army Sergeant and his wacko son!

Finally they said they were finished. I paid them and locked the door behind them. Then I watched them drive away before I called my friend to tell her what kind of nut jobs I had unwittingly let into my friend’s house. While on the phone with her, I went through the house and determined that not only were the two men nut jobs – they were piss poor cleaners! They didn’t even touch the bathtub in the guest bathroom! The mirror in the downstairs bath still had splotches on it. The kitchen had been mopped with a washcloth that was stuck on the end of a stick! Basically, I had to do nearly everything all over myself – and I was PISSED!

I probably should have called and complained but I was afraid of the psychos so I sucked it up and cleaned after the cleaners. I learned my lesson: Forget trying to save a buck and just go with the nationally advertised house cleaning services. Or, better yet, just clean the damn house myself.


Bev said...

Oh my! What a nightmare!! It's kind of scary that it was just you and Muffin alone with those wackadoos. Glad it worked out, but it sucks that you had to do it yourself anyway! UGH!

Unknown said...

Twenty five families, eh? Hmmmm. Those guys sound like real nut jobs. And they obviously don't know the whole story or else they just don't care to talk about the other 5 families ... but ssshhhhh. Don't tell anybody, okay? Because, you know, they're watching.

Krimmyk said...

We cannot get a maid for those reasons: Weatherman doesn't want strangers in the house and no one can clean like I (he) can!

Unknown said...

i'm afraid that there is NO cleaning company that can clean to MY standards either....
so I will save my money.

Anonymous said...

That is so funny! Believe it or not one of my former co-workers believed the same thing. She said the Queen of England's family and the Bush family are two of the BIG ones. I think the Getty's too but I can't remember. It had something to do with oil moguls and an alien ship that connected with the families. New World Order was brought up too, but there are so many theories on that I think she just tied them all together. Oh yeah, and one of my students told me the other day that Obama is one too! Where do these people come up with this stuff?
That sucks that you had to pay them for wasting your time though!I am glad they got out before they sucked out your brain and took off in their ship. Weirdos!

Anonymous said...

Good grief, what a nightmare for you! Glad you came out of it ok and managed to get rid of them. Good to see you posting here again as well.

Samsmama said...

Man, that totally sucks! I can't believe you let them in. I've seen episodes of "Criminal Minds" that start out that way. Just sayin'.

Ok, so on FB my brother posted congrats to Obama for the Peace Prize. His page BLEW UP with comments! One guy went so far as to say Obama is just an empty suit and a puppet for people that possibly don't even live in this country. That dude is also my neighbor, who I am sure has a fallout shelter in his house. My comment shut everybody up, because it went a little something like this:

Sam wants to be a skeleton for Halloween.

Either people thought I was "special" and didn't want to touch that one, or they got my point.

If you'd like simply copy and paste my comment onto your blog, as it's long enough to be a post all by itself. You're welcome.

Mary said...

i agree- cleaning people are the strangest sort! We hired cleaning people once. They too arrived over an hour late, the husband spent an inordinant amount of tie wiping our counters and his wife later told me that our house was so filthy they should charge me double. My response was, "You're so rude, I could pay you nothing..." while I held the door open.
The last time I ever hire anyone like that again.
Live and learn- and thanks for the shout out ;)

Anonymous said...

LMFAO @ Samsmama.

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where the cleaners are a cult and won't let George join. Sounds like you were eligible for these dude's gang Calico!

Here's what gets me about the conspiracy types--they see martians and poisons and african birth certificates and hypnosis and whatever the hell else, but they have absolutely no problem whatsoever with real live issues that might actually affect their earth lives (specifics redacted so as to preserve the non-political nature of your page).

Oh, almost forgot, hilarious story!